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Entering the 40s, parents who are still around are aging, and their circle of friends, aunts and uncles that we have known growing up are aging as well.
We go visit family every other year now as we save for airplane tickets carefully. This time, I saw a friend much less than the last time because her 100-yr-old grandfather was in hospital -- hopefully was getting out soon but not yet at that point. Another friend burst into tears on the phone because her father was sick, and I could not ask what and it sounded serious :( Dad and step mom's colleague who was my brother's tutor attacked his wife and was checked into a facility. Dad and bro went to visit him, and he seemed nice but went around about his issues with wife and could not come out of the circle.
We used to always sit down to a lunch with an aunt and uncle, whom dad and step mom said they contacted a month ago but heard nothing back. I phoned and the aunt said she was not doing well and could not speak to me, and said she'd contact me when she could. We did not hear from her again before we left. Then dad suddenly wrote and said the uncle past away. I was so shocked and got hubby to phone the auntie again. She said it's been a bit over a year and she spent the last year in the U.S. to get over it but still cannot. She didn't tell anyone and still does not wish to talk about it. I'm still in shock that the uncle was gone and feel concerned for the auntie.
One goal of Buddhism is to transcend mundane lives by seeing through the suffering in birth, aging, sickness and death. It's never easy but we have to learn to live with in peace.
9 April, 2014
Hubby spoke to auntie on the phone and we were concerned about her, but my mind was blank. After writing the part above I went to bed. In the morning I woke up at 6am and wrote another journal entry. But when I left the car and walked towards work, I suddenly remembered that when I was a little kid, uncle and auntie got married, and found it quite hard to greet colleagues as usual. When I walked to the elevator, being alone, I felt the real sadness coming. At this moment the boss's boss came in. He took one look at me and asked what's wrong, and I burst into tears. I explained quickly, and he asked why I came to work. I was so blank last night that I didn't know what would happen when it hit me. He suggested that I do not go to meetings, just shut in my office and have some quiet moments. It was really good advice since I could not handle public but can work a bit and spoke to most trusted colleague friend about work and this. One told me that her mother lost a son and wanted to give up life, but survived and had 3 more children. I stopped and went over to the kids school to see them. They asked me why I went over, and I said I just missed them. They gave me a hug when hearing that, and then asked 'really, why did you come?' I said really, just missed you and wanted to see you.
I remember as a preteen I had the anxiety that things are beautiful and the young age was childhood but I didn't know the best way to cherish and use the time. Did I ever just live the moment and focus all my energies on the present second/moment without worrying/thinking about some imperfections or things I wish were better? I'm sure I did, such as when traveling in Tokyo. How can I do it though in the every moment of every day?
We go visit family every other year now as we save for airplane tickets carefully. This time, I saw a friend much less than the last time because her 100-yr-old grandfather was in hospital -- hopefully was getting out soon but not yet at that point. Another friend burst into tears on the phone because her father was sick, and I could not ask what and it sounded serious :( Dad and step mom's colleague who was my brother's tutor attacked his wife and was checked into a facility. Dad and bro went to visit him, and he seemed nice but went around about his issues with wife and could not come out of the circle.
We used to always sit down to a lunch with an aunt and uncle, whom dad and step mom said they contacted a month ago but heard nothing back. I phoned and the aunt said she was not doing well and could not speak to me, and said she'd contact me when she could. We did not hear from her again before we left. Then dad suddenly wrote and said the uncle past away. I was so shocked and got hubby to phone the auntie again. She said it's been a bit over a year and she spent the last year in the U.S. to get over it but still cannot. She didn't tell anyone and still does not wish to talk about it. I'm still in shock that the uncle was gone and feel concerned for the auntie.
One goal of Buddhism is to transcend mundane lives by seeing through the suffering in birth, aging, sickness and death. It's never easy but we have to learn to live with in peace.
9 April, 2014
Hubby spoke to auntie on the phone and we were concerned about her, but my mind was blank. After writing the part above I went to bed. In the morning I woke up at 6am and wrote another journal entry. But when I left the car and walked towards work, I suddenly remembered that when I was a little kid, uncle and auntie got married, and found it quite hard to greet colleagues as usual. When I walked to the elevator, being alone, I felt the real sadness coming. At this moment the boss's boss came in. He took one look at me and asked what's wrong, and I burst into tears. I explained quickly, and he asked why I came to work. I was so blank last night that I didn't know what would happen when it hit me. He suggested that I do not go to meetings, just shut in my office and have some quiet moments. It was really good advice since I could not handle public but can work a bit and spoke to most trusted colleague friend about work and this. One told me that her mother lost a son and wanted to give up life, but survived and had 3 more children. I stopped and went over to the kids school to see them. They asked me why I went over, and I said I just missed them. They gave me a hug when hearing that, and then asked 'really, why did you come?' I said really, just missed you and wanted to see you.
I remember as a preteen I had the anxiety that things are beautiful and the young age was childhood but I didn't know the best way to cherish and use the time. Did I ever just live the moment and focus all my energies on the present second/moment without worrying/thinking about some imperfections or things I wish were better? I'm sure I did, such as when traveling in Tokyo. How can I do it though in the every moment of every day?
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